Do Not Fuck With The Guv’ner

I am what you might call “severely awake” today, which is a) scary, b) unusual on a weekday for me (or indeed any day if we’re being honest here) and c) is good for me – bad for everyone else, because this means I will get up to no good, attack all your blogs with ridiculous comments and might even attempt some work! Yes, really!

Talking of work, I’ve been trying to pull this meeting together for weeks that involves ten people all situated in different parts of the world. Naturally, all these people are ‘muy importado’ and expect the meeting to revolve around their particular needs, forgetting everyone else involved is equally important and absolutely as needy. This always turns into one ginormous clusterfuck of nuclear proportions filled with passive aggressive office politics that makes me want to take everyone out back, line them up against the wall and shoot them in the head. Quite honestly, I’d get more done if they were all lying in a pool of blood in the courtyard. Well let’s face it, I wouldn’ t have to schedule that meeting for a start.

Ok, I maybe wouldn’t kill them but I’d definitely enjoy tasering (tasing?) their genitals.

I’d spare this one guy though. This guy, no matter when I email everyone for information or to give instructions for something – no matter what it is, this one guy always responds promptly with the exact information required. He’s like a ninja, with his finger on the pulse. No sooner does my email drop onto his inbox than his finger is on the dial to call me or he fires back a response. That guy is awesome. Or in love with me, I don’t know.

Oh wait, I just saw my crazy hair in the mirror and conclude that no, he’s definitely just diligent.

He’s the only one though. I have to threaten to castrate people or boil their babies to get answers normally. Or people contact me giving totally the wrong information that I didn’t ask for.

And of course when people do respond correctly, none of them actually ever AGREE on a date or time or location. So it’s pointless. A bit like this blog entry. Well not pointless exactly, there IS a chart:

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30 Responses to “Do Not Fuck With The Guv’ner”

  1. Teri Says:

    are you in the red group?

  2. Teri Says:

    I HATE making meeting arrangements for super important people. You have to get about a million dates from everyone and they STILL don’t match with anyone.

  3. WendyB Says:

    I love a good pie chart. Mmmm, pie.

  4. The Guv'ner Says:

    Teri: I’m in the ORANGE group, missy, don’t you forget it. Me and that one guy.

    And you are correct, no one agrees on anything, ever. I usually just end up saying “YOU WILL DO IT THIS DAY AT THIS TIME” and leaving it at that.

    Wendy: I know. I could eat a whole pie right now. Apple. Yum. Hmm i wonder if our cafeteria has apple pie…

  5. doorknob_dan Says:

    Which group does the UL fall in to? Which group does Jesus fall in to?

    Also, you must be on cocaine to be awake – that or ahering to the curfew that the courts decided for you.

  6. The Guv'ner Says:

    The UL falls into all of them except orange.

    I am the curfew setter therefore the court, hoser. I have a very strict regime deciding when I go to bed you know. It’s all up in my face if I’m late.

    No cocaine though. Coke. A cola.

  7. Chris Says:

    We got one of those “Magic Bullet” mixer doohickies from my mother-in-law the other day. It’s like a blender, but it doesn’t have any buttons so my wife will let me operate it. It’s really cool and stuff.

    So anyway, we have this mixer blender thing now, but the cord doesn’t reach from the counter, so we had to move a little table over to where the outlet is so the Magic Bullet thingy can reach the electricity it needs. I figured that out by reading the book.

    You know what else was in the book? Recipes. Hey, did you know that you can make iced coffee drinks with a blender-doohicky? Most of them involve lots and lots of chocolate and sugar and stuff, too. And coffee. Lots and lots of coffee and sugar and chocolate.

    I haven’t slept in days.

  8. gizmorox Says:

    I want to make a pie chart! How do I make pie charts? Is it excel or some other needlessly obnoxious program?

  9. The Guv'ner Says:

    Chris: I take it back. You are WAY more severely awake than I’ll ever be. 🙂 And is it just me or does a Magic Bullet sound less like a blender and more like a fun nighttime toy???? I’m just saying.

    Giz: No, dude, it’s PowerPoint! It’s the only thing I like about that damn program! 🙂 Check it!!!

  10. Chris Says:

    I had so much caffeine and sugar in me this morning I thought I was losing my vision. Then I realized everthing looked blurry ’cause my two little eyeballs were simply vibrating back and forth so quickly trying to focus on everything at once…

    And yeah, “Magic Bullet” does kinda sound like something you should have to put batteries in…

  11. The Guv'ner Says:

    Dude, seriously, if I have more than one cup of coffee in a day I get the DTs so you know…I sympathize! 🙂 sounds like you are enjoying this new purchase though? I hope Dagmar’s getting to use it! Sounds like you’re addicted.

  12. Chris Says:

    I have a pretty strict regimen — MAYBE one cup of coffee in the morning, and one diet soda during the day. I have such a hard time getting to sleep at night I really try to avoid caffeine much as I can… But these coffee drinks you can make with this blender-thing are just so damned TASTY. Oh boy oh boy oh boy… Good stuff, Maynard!

    (I’m not tense! No! Just terribly, horribly alert.)

    Tomorrow — drinks with RUM! Yay for blenders…

  13. The Guv'ner Says:

    Hahaha, drinks with RUM! I had a great pina colada the other day. Whoa yes. Like eating alcoholic coconut ice cream.

    I too have a small coffee and one diet soda a day. OK I lied. I might have several diet sodas. I try not to but alas I get thirsty a lot and well….they’re so cold and fizzy and mmmmm!

    Two cups of coffee and you’re dealing with the Tasmanian Devil on coke.

  14. Leonesse Says:

    I keep trying to get off caffeine. I am sadly addicted and am lethargic without it. zzzzzzzzzzzz

  15. doorknob_dan Says:

    I’m addicted to crack, I dunno what you guys are bitching about.

    Okay okay, you’re not bitching and I’m not addicted to crack, but I do enjoy a whole pot of coffee every day (8+ cups). If any less, I am lethargic. Okay okay, I’m lethargic anyways, but imagine what I’d be like without all the caffeine?

    Yeah, slightly less awesome.

  16. pistols at dawn Says:

    Oh, baby, tell me more about tasing my junk.

  17. BeckEye Says:

    What does it say about me that, before I actually read your posts, I quickly scroll to the bottom of them to see if there is a graph or chart of some type?

  18. The Guv'ner Says:

    Leo: It’s a fairly harmless vice though, so I say enjoy it. I’m addicted to Diet Pepsi and I don’t care a bit. Screw that!

    Danny: 8 cups a day huh? Your coffee mug is the size of TEXAS are you HIGH? It actually explains a lot…

    Pistola: You maybe could use the opposite of caffeine right now, dude. Also don’t try using that line next time a cop pulls you over. Seriously.

    Beck: It tells me you are smart because those pies are the only part worth looking at. And THEY suck!

  19. Suze's Sass Says:

    I’m one of the red group. Pie anyone?

  20. The Guv'ner Says:

    Suze: I wasn’t going to say but…it’s ok. We still love you.

  21. katrocket Says:

    Why are you trying to get all these wankers into one room, when you could just schedule a teleconference or perhaps a video chat on Skype? It doesn’t cost anything, and there’s no travel involved. It’s super convenient for all parties.

    Perhaps using the technology would be a barrier to a few select asshats, but hey – “important” people who are too dumb to IM shouldn’t really be considered “important”, or even “employed” for that matter.

    I apologize that this comment is relevant to your topic and not full of smartass jokes.

  22. doorknob_dan Says:

    I thought the same thing too, Kat…but then again, as an employee, I’d use everthing in my power to keep my boss out of the office.

  23. Mathdude Says:

    While the chart is extremely helpful, could you include the percetages with each slice. I really need them. See, if the yellow were 28%, that would freakin’ hilarious, but if it were, say, 32%, not so much. Thanks.

  24. odalisques Says:

    Five words: Executive Hunting Season (year round)

    I’d start a petition to get the legislation rolling, but action convinces so much more than internet signatures, yes/no?

  25. The Guv'ner Says:

    Kat: they actually CAN call in to the meeting but even then I can’t get people to cooperate on availability. That’s how INSANE they are!!!

    Dan: The UL will be overseas for it and as always I am STOKED! 🙂

    Mr. Math: For you sure. Next time around I will add the percentages but that means i have to make it accurate and not just throw in huge silly numbers! Damn you!

    odalisques: I think I just fell off my chair at the pleasurable thought I got from that suggestion. Thank you!

  26. odalisques Says:

    We just need bright orange hats and some sort of executive whistle that quacks out synergy-related buzzwords to lure them in…then BLAMMO! Pointy hair everywhere.

    By the by, I’ve escaped my prancing uberlord! Last day was the 9th, and now I’m back in an academic office as temp records maven, where the biggest annoyance is the outgoing maven’s Australian-ness. Ah, sweet relief.

  27. The Guv'ner Says:

    Hmmmm. you lucky lucky person.

    I wish I could work from home with no annoying people having me do things. Pah. I like the hunting thing though. Bring THAT on.

  28. minijonb Says:

    i hope to never work with asshats again. US News and World distorts needs to include that stat in their career rankings.

  29. The Guv'ner Says:

    Minijon: The day I can work for myself will be a great day. I can call my boss an asshat to her face because it will be ME. And yeah, those stats need representing! 🙂

  30. The Ambiguous Blob Says:

    we occasionally have that issue around here. What generally happens is that the highest ranking official sends out a “mandatory” meeting request with strong language that everyone must attend on said date.
    It totally works.

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