Memorial Day

Hey there American peoples! It’s Memorial Day (not to be confused with “Mammorial Day” which occurs only in porn). It is a day to not be at work – gets full points right there, really – and remember stuff. I’m not sure what stuff but I think it’s to do with wars and servicemen and veterans and people no longer with us and I probably should not make light of it at all, however, since this is me and I don’t see a blue moon, I probably will anyway.

Here are some random things I remember:

The time the Evil Queen and myself superglued Mr. Panty Waist’s stapler to his desk so he had to staple all day at a really weird angle.

One afternoon spent drinking red, white and blue margaritas on July 4th and having a blue tongue the rest of the day

Hiding from Daleks when I was little.

Driving in a convertible over the Golden Gate Bridge on a sunny day

Living here in lower Manhattan on September 11th 2001

Getting drunk before my band played a show, tripping over a cord and falling off the stage onto my ass (And no, I don’t have a donkey)

The first time I got on my moped I accidentally twisted the grip and shot across the road into a fence at the speed of light. Well, OK, 30MPH. It FELT fast. The only thing injured was my dignity. And the framed photo of Bill O’Reilly I carry with me at all times. Well one of those things, anyway.

Would you like a pie for Memorial Day? Your wish is my command. Here’s one I just baked especially.

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32 Responses to “Memorial Day”

  1. doorknob_dan Says:

    Since I’m Canadian, I have very little idea of the spirit of this holiday.

    But I believe I would enjoy the day starting off with porn, and the rest of the day remembering the porn. Or something like that.

    Or if I were a politician, I would spend the day justifying my position on a certain unpopular war by telling stories of fallen soldiers and how they gave the ultimate sacrifice to ensure we installed our favorite puppet government in order to maintain control of that region’s resources. (I wouldn’t say the second part though, I’d probably just say the words ‘brave’, ‘proud’, and ‘selfless’ a lot, as if I knew what the words stood for.)

  2. The Guv'ner Says:

    Well yes, nothing you say there surprises me a bit. πŸ™‚

    I haven’t heard any politicians spouting forth their thoughts on Memorial Day yet but I’m sure they have already incorporated it into their campaign speeches/national addresses etc.

  3. doorknob_dan Says:

    Ugh, heard John McCain at lunch blathering about the Iraq war instead of saying, “You know, I don’t like our kids getting killed, let’s pull out.”

  4. WendyB Says:

    “Pooping”? LOL!

  5. Suze's Sass Says:

    Yes, I knew my hobby of beating random neighbors would get me in a chart someday. I just always thought it would be at the police station. Happy Memorial Day Guv – eat some pie for me would ya!

  6. BeckEye Says:

    I did all of it except for the sex. Sigh. That’s like, every weekend. Maybe I should stop drunkenly beating people and I’d get more.

  7. mindy Says:

    I spent my holiday beating someone with poop, so I guess I fit into 2 categories here.

  8. Falwless Says:

    Where’s “jail” at? That’s where I was.

  9. The Guv'ner Says:

    D: I never know WHAT he’s blathering about because I’m too busy thinking “Your head! It is a PEANUT!” So yeah…

    Wendy: Well all those hotdogs have to go someplace I guess!

    Suze: If there’s one thing I would do for anyone anytime it is eat some pie of the fruit variety. I had to add “Of the fruit variety” because Kat has me all paranoid now about that word.

    Beck and Mindy: You guys are all about the beatdown this week huh? Remind me to be nice to both of you.

    Fal: Shit! I forgot jail. That sort of went without saying too. Imagine a big old slice of jail pie just for you.

  10. The Secretary Says:

    Hey Guv, long time no see! Sorry I had abandoned my blog, but life got too busy for me. I’m up again:

    http://secret-secretary-society.blogspot.com/

    Now it’s time to catch on yours! Talk to you soon

    The Secretary πŸ™‚

    P.S. My Memorial Day consisted of food, drinks and sleep. Probably some poop too.

  11. CDP Says:

    You’re practically a citizen.

  12. Chris Says:

    I pooped.

    Hey, your other blog keeps locking my computer up. Sucks, that.

  13. The Idea Of Progress Says:

    That’s clearly what the average American woman does. I can tell, because only 5% is dedicated to pooping, which is insufficient for most mens’ needs.

  14. pistols at dawn Says:

    Um…I don’t see “masturbating violently” on that list.

    Some patriot you are, comrade.

  15. Baroness von Bloggenschtern Says:

    Holy hell! It just dawned on me while guffawing over your latest office/culinary delicacy, that you are that woman from the movie “Waitress” – Keri Russell’s character who makes exotic pies with equally exotic names. Huh.

    By the dubs, thanks for including pooping – I’d hate to think what would happen to all that cake and Domino’s otherwise…

  16. The Guv'ner Says:

    Sec: I was wondering where you were, missy! I still can’t access your site though. Seems i am not invited? Is it a club now? PAH! πŸ™‚

    CDP: I know, right? I’m in the know. You’d never know I was a damn foreigner from that pie at all.

    Chris: Thank you! πŸ™‚ Actually, it loads really slowly for ME too and I have no idea why…. hmmm. You’re not missing a lot though. Maybe it’s a template issue? I don’t know. You’re the website guy, you tell ME!

    IoP: You might have a point. If it was male centric toilet matters would take up half a pie!

    Pistols: Next time I’ll do a “How Pistols Spends Memorial Day” pie, and believe me “masturbating violently” will BE the pie. Well apart from the 20% that constitutes “Being amusingly facetious and possibly libelous.”

    Baroness: I agree! Dominos and cake has a tendency to necessitate using the facilities I would think. And as Mr. Progress pointed out, pooping is a national pastime.

  17. Leonesse Says:

    Banana Cream Pie, to be exact. But I didn’t have any. I was full.

  18. pontifexofpunk Says:

    Sign me up for cake. Heh…

  19. The Guv'ner Says:

    Leo: Mmmmmm Banana cream pie…. Give to me now.

    Felix: You have to fight me for the cake, dude. It won’t be easy either. I’m very determined when it comes to cake.

  20. minijonb Says:

    I spent all weekend wishing it was “Mammorial Day” – I need to get out more often
    = : – )

  21. The Lady Who Doesn't Lunch: Says:

    The word “pooping” always makes me laugh, because I am 7. Thanks Guv.

  22. The Guv'ner Says:

    MiniJon: As a lady I cannot comment on mammorial things with any real authority apart from that which comes from owning a pair. πŸ™‚

    Lady: I too am 7, HI!

  23. melpomeneandthalia Says:

    Cake should have a much larger percentage on that graph. sigh it’s a sad day when fighting wind over cake.

  24. melpomeneandthalia Says:

    wins… I mean to say wins.

  25. MsPuddin Says:

    where in the fck did you get red, white AND blue margaritas!? I demand to know…

    you sure can remember a lot..;p

  26. BeckEye Says:

    Yeah, it’s like Labor Day already. Where the fuck are ya?

  27. happytheclam Says:

    Dear Guv,

    Where the fuck are you? I am worried sick, no posts? and what am I supposed to do without any post to read. A day without a post from you is a wasted day. Sigh.

  28. The Guv'ner Says:

    GNUGS: Cake should be the whole pie. That’s some sort of play on words there, or something.

    Miss P: It was some place here in NYC that managed to have a layered margarita! And it was effing FANTASTIC too! So there.

    Beck: Are you my mother? ARE YOU? I’ve been BUSY ok! Sheesh.

    Happy: You insatiable beast. You’ll be sorry when I return armed with flow charts up the wazoo, whining about bosses. Which might be today. Who knows?

  29. BeckEye Says:

    On this episode of Jerry Springer….

    Yes, Guv. I am your mother!

    Now call me immediately. I need you to come over and help me bake brownies.

  30. Leonesse Says:

    If you are not closing a biz, dealing with infidels, packing a house, heading back into corporate hell and leaving your baby boy behind when you move then you have NO EXCUSE.

    Blog something to take my mind off of it. DAMMIT.

  31. Leonesse Says:

    Those comments were supposed to be funny. Looking at it again, not so much.

  32. The Guv'ner Says:

    Beck and Leo: You crazy ladies. Seriously. You are both quite insane. Naturally you make complete sense to me.

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