Archive for July, 2008

Some Random Nonsense

July 30, 2008


The song I can’t seem to get out of my head today is, “If I Was A Rich Man” from Fiddler on the Roof. Why? I have no freaking idea unless some ghost was whispering it in my ear as I slept. Make it stop, immediately. If I could send a “cease and desist” order to my brain I would do it. Even the two weeks I was singing “Funky Town” every ten seconds was preferable to this nonsense. Are YOU singing “Funky Town” now? I AM sorry. Ha.

How come mosquitos can find their way into a tent through a tiny space the size of a nickel and buzz around your head all night, infuriatingly, yet, confronted with a huge, one-whole-side-of-the-tent open flap to the great outdoors, they fail to find it and get the hell out?

What’s so great about Beyonce? I don’t get it. Not even a little bit. Sure, she’s nice to look at but will someone write her a goddamn SONG please? The noises she makes is like the sounds a baby makes when someone is trying to pull its entrails out through its belly button. I’m only guessing though. I hate to sound like everyone’s grandmother but didn’t songs used to have tunes? Melodies. Contrarily, “Funky Town” has melody that stays in your head for months but it still sucks ass so maybe I should shut up.

Why some people deserve to be beaten to death with a tire iron


In Other News…

July 24, 2008
Reason 762 to love Fox News

Reason 762 to love Fox News

I’m thinking it possibly already did…

If you’re bored, over at Space Pie I’m looking at stupid pix I found on my work computer.

Today’s Musings

July 22, 2008

You know what would be funny?  If they made GPS systems for cars using much more kick-ass voices than those electronic nasty ones they currently use.  You know, monotone lady and Germanic dude?  Wouldn’t it be great if you were told to turn left in 200 yards by say…Mr. T. “LEFT, FOOL!” or like…hear Fran Drescher telling you there’s a bridge coming up?

Or you could listen to Woody Allen say “Recalculating route!”

Maybe some Southern Britney-type chick could say “Y’all missed yo’ exit!”

It would also be sort of fun to have a gay voice to represent all you ‘mo drivers.  “OH MY GAWD, you TOTALLY mithed that turn, girlfriend, but blue is TOTALLY your color!”

Was that sexist? I’m a bad Guv’ner.

My GPS would have the voice of Jack Nicholson from “The Shining”.  “Take the next fucking left or I’ll beat your brains in!”

I’m giving this way too much thought.  But you know I’m on to something.

Journey Pie

July 18, 2008

I think someone should pay me for this research.  It’s the truest data ever gathered.  I dedicate it to Pistols.  It’s the “True Breakdown of Journey’s fan base” Pie.  Yes, it’s a slow day.  So?


July 17, 2008

you can clicky for bigger version, compadres

Euro Trash

July 16, 2008

A couple of weeks ago the Uberlord was taking a vacation in Southern Italy.  Capri to be exact.  Capri is a beautiful, expensive, rich person’s resort but it isn’t a straightforward place to get to – it involves flying to Naples, getting from the airport to the harbor and transferring to a hydrofoil or ferry then, once arriving on the island, catching a local taxi or shuttle bus to your hotel.

Now armed with this information and a thorough working knowledge of the Uberlord, even the most experienced administrative person would pull hair out and contemplate alcoholism or an expensive drug habit when faced with the daunting prospect of having the man and his equally inept spouse, make this journey unaided. I mean planes AND cars AND boats AND buses?  Mon dieu!  The possibilities for bad things happening during that are pretty darn high.

We’re talking about a man who is used to five star luxury and being pampered and catered to at every stage.  He certainly isn’t armed to deal with economy flights from London to Naples and a public hydrofoil, for God’s sake.   I mean those are transportation means that involve traveling with common people like you or me, ripe with the cooties and foreign germs?  Euro germs?  And you’ve seen the infomercials – everything “EURO” is bigger and better.

I prayed he’d have lost control of his faculties and accept this method and that somewhere in the middle he’d get confused, forget all about the hydrofoil, try to swim and get eaten by a shark.

Surprisingly, he didn’t have a coniption fit, he merely frowned into his coffee and questioned the ‘no first class and do i really have to slum it this much?’ thing.  He then provided the expected Uberlordian reaction by asking me to look into more “exclusive” transportation.

Hence began a day of researching alternate means of delivering the giant ass and his lady to his destination without the aid of grubby common types like us.

I made him a nice short list of options which were basically like this:  A motorboat company who would pick him and Mrs. Uberlord up at the airport, take him in a nice car to the harbor at which point they would put him on a private speed boat with champagne and a personal tour guide and would whisk him off breezily to the Island where another very nice car would cart them to their rather expensive spa and hotel.  Sounds quite lovely doesn’t it?

And it should for $600 per person one way, don’t you think?

The Uberlord liked this option quite a bit.  Private boat?  Butler service for the bags?  Champagne en route?  How very exclusive.  How very him.  He liked it right down till he reached the bit about the $600.

“Guv’ner…” he called snootily.  “I know I make a nice living but not THAT nice!  Please find  something more economical.”

This is a man who is rich as shit and who insists on a $800 a night hotel in London every other week, dinners that cost more than I make in a two week period and first class travel absolutely everywhere or he will sulk and refuse to do it.   Naturally though, when something occurs where he has to pay for it himself he manages to lower his demands somewhat.   Basically if the company isn’t paying he’s not paying.

So I called his hotel who agreed they could transfer him from the airport to the harbor, provide him with a Hydrofoil ticket then personally put him on the shuttle on the island, while having a minion carry his bags.  For $200.

“Much better!” said the Uberlord, satisfied although somewhat miffed at the hotel’s lack of offer of a private yacht with wet bar and totally oblivious to the fact this was pretty much the same option as the cheapo “slumming it” one I gave him at the start.

The moral of this story is, the Uberlord is a giant, expectant ass and I should’ve put him in an Italian cab (ha!) and made him take a row boat to the island at which point his luxury hotel would’ve mysteriously turned into the Italian equivalent of a Motel 6.

I always think of these things too goddamn late.

Five Paragraphs of Blather

July 15, 2008

I had all sorts of crazy dreams last night about jumping around on top of train carriages and wielding bananas in a suspicious manner.  The first part I put down to an abundance of Die Hard movie viewings last night (Die Hard 2 and Die Hard With A Vengeance to be exact) and I think all that Bruce Willis did something to reconfigure my brain.  What a badass mofo John McClane is.  It almost made me want to cover my tank top in blood and oil and jump around in elevator shafts today.  Luckily I have some self-control and a built in need to shower regularly.

The banana thing I have no idea about except I like bananas and would have liked to chomp on one.  I do not usually choose them as weapons, preferring instead to go with nunchuks or battery operated chainsaws with interchangeable blades.

So hi!  How are you all?  Is everyone ok?  Nice and fruity?  Hanging in there?  My life’s been 25 kinds of crazy lately but I think I’m doing ok now thanks to a brand new attitude and a cocaine habit.  Haha, sorry I’m kidding.  My attitude’s as nonchalant as it ever was.

I have decided I like trees.  There is a severe drought of trees in NYC unless you’re in Central Park or similar areas.  Since I am not in NYC at present there are trees everywhere and I like them.  I think it may tie in to the banana thing because maybe I am a monkey.  In any case I am mesmerized by the trees.  Although I did just see “The Happening” the other day and my love affair with trees did dissipate for a moment.

I think that concludes today’s entry about nothing.  I’m back, but I never claimed to be interesting.

The Guv’ner Is Alive And Breathing

July 9, 2008

Not yet publishing entries but alive and breathing.  And quite alright, thanks to those of you leaving me concerned emails and comments and stuff.

I’m just recharging my sarcastic battery then me and my pie charts will be back in action.

Just so you know, people.  Be afraid.  Hope your wicks are all sufficiently dipped.  Whatever that means.

– Guv