Fond Memories

Something reminded me today of the moment I first realized I hated the Uberlord and his over entitled, giant ego. I may have mentioned this before but if I did, pretend I didn’t and just suck it up, ok? Ok.

It was my first couple of days working at the company and for him in particular. He wanted to get a couple of his team members together for a chat about some rubbish or other, so he said to me, “Order coffee and half a dozen doughnuts for the chat”.

Now call me old-fashioned if you want, but when someone gives you a direct, specific sounding order like that one, your work is pretty much cut out. So I contact our cafeteria who do the catering and ask for half a dozen doughnuts and a large pot of coffee, figuring he and his two buddies will be well taken care of.

Imagine my surprise to find the “Chat” turned out to be a full-blown meeting in the conference room with 13 attendees all dying for coffee and doughnuts (I mean why else attend a boring meeting about progress reports, right?). That works out, for you math buffs out there, as less than half a doughnut per person and a nice little demi-tasse of coffee that wouldn’t satisfy a wood sprite.

When people commented on the lack of snackage, the Uberlord proceeded to make fun of me in front of everyone – “The Guv ordered the snacks, but she’s new and hasn’t quite got the hang of it yet.”

That old pile of rancid flesh.

I calmly said, “You asked me to get half a dozen doughnuts and some coffee, so I got half a dozen doughnuts and some coffee. You didn’t mention the 13 people thing at all!”

“Well you need to anticipate these things better.” he replied.

I spent the next ten minutes in that room, red as a lobster, fuming and “anticipating” all the sharp, metal objects I’d like to wedge up his anus with a sledgehammer and from that moment on I hated the man with a violent passion.

It never really improved. People would tell me on a weekly basis, “Oh you work for the UBERLORD! You are so lucky, he is SO NICE!”

No. No he isn’t nice. He’s nice to YOU, sure because he doesn’t know you and has an image to project. He’s the king of schmoozing because who knows, he might need you for something one day. It’s all about appearances. To me he’s vague, he asks for things he doesn’t really want then complains when he gets what he asked for and conveniently “forgets” ever telling me in the first place in a really passive aggressive, head-bashingly irritating way (“Well if you say I told you that I GUESS I must have but I really don’t remember, maybe you should double check these things with me first…”).

Anyway, it’s afternoon and I’ve had no cake in about three days so I’m feeling the hate today. Suck it up Uberlord you old fucktard.

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26 Responses to “Fond Memories”

  1. Red Says:

    I don’t know how you still work for that dude.

    Oh, and now I want a donut. Thanks a lot.

  2. dopeypants Says:

    I hope your current boss is much nicer. Tee hee.

  3. The Guv Says:

    Red: ME TOO 🙂 I am not working for him anymore THANK GOD. So I can tell all the stories now I was too chicken to before in case he saw them. Awesome!

    DP: He totally let’s me take naps and slack off. It’s awesome.

  4. BeckEye Says:

    Did you get a new job?

    I’m convinced there’s an island somewhere where pompous, middle-aged men are whisked away to the minute they are in a position of power, where they are taught how to be insufferable assholes.

  5. Falwless Says:

    NO CAKE IN THREE DAYS? Dear god. I will call a chopper. A cake drop mission is being formed, as I type.

  6. Falwless Says:

    Please leave your coordinates.

  7. suze Says:

    No cake? What the hell? How are you surviving? Not even a cupcake or a cookie. Get Falwless those coordinates fast. And save one for me.

  8. Hippie Chris Says:

    Gosh, sounds like SOMEONE’S got a crush on Überlord…

    Seriously, they sell cupcakes at the gas station.

    Question: I’ve never been to a corporate meeting, me being a professional peon and all. Do they really actually eat donuts?

  9. The Guv Says:

    Beck: I am convinced you are CORRECT.

    Fal: No fucking kidding dude. I’m wilting from lack of cake. I must put this right immediately.

    Suze: I’m on it. All cake gratefully accepted. Or pie. I like pie!

    Chris: I will kick your ass, mister. And yes, they do. At least they did there. Pastries and doughnuts were like CURRENCY, man.

  10. Bert Bananas Says:

    Do you ever have dreams about the UberBored? Or nightmares?

  11. The Guv Says:

    No Mr. Bananas I do not. I thought that now I’m not working for him anymore that I might and that they might (hopefully) involve me stabbing him with white hot spears or something but alas, so far, no.

  12. dopeypants Says:

    I know what you have dreams of:

    A sticky hot sweaty Rod Stewart, dancing in his leopard skin underwear at the foot of your bed, with maybe just a little bit of his tip peeking out the leg hole.

    I hope your lunch is suitably settled in your stomach.

  13. The Guv Says:

    Dude. It’s like you can see into my mind.

    Don’t worry about my lunch, I just threw it up in the toilet.

  14. so@24 Says:

    Mental note…

    Don’t piss off The Guv’na

    And.

    Pick up cheesecloth for anus in case I accidentally do.

  15. Catherinette Says:

    You know what? My company is so cheap that they would have purposely ordered 1/2 a dozen donuts for 13 people. You could easily come and work here and everyone would love you forever.

    Plus your charts would rock everyone’s world.

  16. CDP Says:

    He really sounds horrible, but just think…if he was a nice guy, this blog would be called “Slightly Neurotic Administrative Assistant” and none of us would bother reading it. Silver linings, baby.

  17. The Guv Says:

    So: That is a startlingly scary comment 🙂 But yeah, don’t piss off the guv’nah! She’s baaaaaaaaaaaad.

    Catherinette: Haha, I doubt my charts, outlaying everyone’s faults and quirks will have them ecstatic, however. Must be done though. People are pie chart fodder.

    CDP: You make a good point. Except now I don’t work for him anymore it’ll be more general ranting. But I insist on pie charts. Life only works right with pie charts.

  18. tonyspunk Says:

    This fella sounds like El Assholez. Tony can come up there and pound on his culito with a plank if that suits ya, babe. By “pound” I mean it literally not in a sexy sense. He ain’t my type in that he has a penis (I assume).

  19. The Guv Says:

    It would be more effective if you’d go and sing Manilow songs to him, dude. In the conference room. In front of EVERYONE.

  20. gnugs Says:

    Ah yes… the good old asshole superior. I just got threatened–again–for not filling out my timecard yesterday. Nevermind the fact that I wasn’t in the office yesterday, and cannot access my timecard from home. For security reasons. At the behest of my superior.

    Assbags, the lot of’em.

  21. katrocket Says:

    I think you could write a screenplay about this experience and call it “The Devil Wears Scalding Hot Coffee on His Crotch”. Then you could roll around on a big pile of money with Anne Hathaway.

    or you could insert your own fantasy here.

  22. The Guv'ner Says:

    Gnugs: I love how that happens. Blamed for something you have no control over. It’s a worldwide standard I think for bosses. It’s because they’re idiots.

    Kat: That sounds a lot like my fantasy only without the Anne Hathaway part. Just the scalding coffee on his crotch makes me grin and feel all at one with the world. You say the best things.

  23. Leonesse Says:

    New boss!? How did you escape? My UberBitch quashed every transfer I tried and I had to quit.

  24. Leonesse Says:

    Have I mentioned that she quit 3 weeks later? Bitch.

  25. pistols at dawn Says:

    I’d like to think that I would have told that guy to eat a bowl of my eff, but that would have been both unlikely and difficult for me to fill a whole bowl with a verb.

  26. The Guv Says:

    Leo: We should’ve had a boss murder exchange like that Hitchcock movie where the two random guys were to off each other’s wives.

    PAD: I’d say if anyone can do it, YOU can, fella.

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