The Quick Brown Horse Jumps Over the Frustrated Secretary

There are a bunch of mutant freaks out there who can type 140 words a minute. Imagine that – fingers flying like fan blades in all the right places and not an error in sight. Those people -and some of you might be members of this elite team of alien superbeings, in which case, SCREW YOU GUYS – are miraculous wonders of humanity.

Now I have been touch typing for maybe 15 years since I got bored tapping on two fingers and taught myself and I’m fairly speedy and decently accurate (accurate at correcting errors at least!) but I’m not in that super human range of the people mentioned above. I know I can type 90 words a minute on an average. I know this because I have transcribed for a living and my times are slick, y’all. 90 is good but not super-good. I can probably squeeze out 100 if all the words are fairly short and maybe even 110 if they’re all ‘a’, ‘the’ or ‘or’. Ha.

Having said that, my ego just deflates the second I see a typing test. I hate those goddamn things. You know the ones I mean – where you have to type what you see on the screen in front of you EXACTLY – ‘exactly’ meaning every space, capital letter, piece of punctuation must be identical.

“So what?” you say. Well I’ll tell you if you’ll just shut up for a second. I suck at those tests. My brain gets all nervous, turns my fingers into like…giant CARROTS…and I proceed to spend three intense minutes making every error known to man. And you can’t correct stuff! When you type normally, you make a mistake, your brain knows it before you even do it and you correct it swiftly and automatically, but those typing tests? Mais non! You attempt to make the correction you get another error. Mamanfuckers.

Also, some of those tests subscribe to the clearly misguided notion that there’s only one space after a period. Hello? No. I hear that’s a new-fangled way of doing it but I’m a child of the 1980s people, I’m old school and if there aren’t two spaces after a period you need to be flogged with a salty whip. I’m just saying, because some of those software programs serve it up one way and some the other. WTF?

Then I get pissed because the smug, self-righteous computer software thing gloats “WELL DONE GUV, YOU TYPE 62 WORDS A MINUTE, AREN’T YOU FREAKING SPECIAL FOR A RETARDED PERSON?” and you are pretty certain you heard it snort. Then you pick up a sledgehammer (that you keep in your backpack for such emergencies) and beat seven shades of shit out of that computer while growling like a wolverine.

I hate typing software. That’s where I’m going with this. I might add a pie chart to this later as I’m feeling inspired. And a touch bitter.

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26 Responses to “The Quick Brown Horse Jumps Over the Frustrated Secretary”

  1. Gnugs Says:

    You have just shamed me into purchasing a typing program. Screw you and your 90+ wpm! the upper 60’s RULE!

  2. The Guv Says:

    Ha! Well sure 90 is pretty decent, Gnugsy, but it’s not 140. It’s not superhuman achievement stuff. Screw those people though. 60 is perfectly acceptable. It’s just when it tells you 60 and you KNOW you’re so much faster than that nonsense. I hate those things. πŸ™‚ The ones you buy might be better. I’ve only used them online or at temping interviews. Those things are stone aged and nasty. πŸ™‚

  3. dopeypants Says:

    I can eke out about 10 WPM.

    15 if I’m hot.

    20 if I’ve snorted coke with GWB.

  4. The Guv Says:

    If I’ve snorted coke with GWB I can do 200 easy. I should’ve made those parameters more obvious. My stats were sans coke and GWB.

  5. Teri Says:

    I LOATHE typing tests and I’ve been at this for 20 years. I get the exact same way. My brain takes over, it knows it’s being tested and it starts fucking up at the first word. Fucker!

    I type about the same, about 90 wpm. I don’t sit and type for long periods so I’m sure my speed has slowed down.

  6. The Guv Says:

    Teri: That’s the thing. Your brain is aware it’s an unnatural situation and it fidgets! I swear my way through those things.

    I type a lot and regularly and my speed never increases. I thought maybe one day I’d hit that coveted 140 and be “special” but it’s never going to happen. I guess who cares? There are more fun things to do, right? πŸ™‚

  7. Jon Says:

    I don’t even think I know 90 words. Can it be the same word over and over?

  8. The Guv Says:

    Dude, it can just be “a” and you can type it probably 300 times in a minute and totally skew your score. You’d be like the dog’s bollocks as we say in the old country.

  9. Mathdude Says:

    I’m good for about 40 WPM. If I practiced for 10 straight years, I couldn’t type 90 WPM. But I have won Falwless’ Monday Caption Contest – twice! So there. Actually, your last entries didn’t totally suck! Have you been practicing or something?

  10. Magnolia Sun Says:

    I so agree with the typing test and agree with the TWO spaces after a period. Love your blog too.

  11. The Guv Says:

    MD: Screw YOU πŸ™‚ Actually, they always suck. Sometimes I can write shit for hours but give me a caption contest and I just cannot do it. I envy you witty captionists. Goddamn you all!

    MS: THANK YOU! Well, on both things! πŸ™‚ One should ALWAYS – even in the event of a nuclear holocaust or something – make sure to leave 2 spaces after a period. I think it’s a capital offense to leave only one. It’s up there with saying “Supposably”. No, no, no, no, no!

  12. Fastfingers Says:

    I hate those tests too, especially when you’re so used to backspacing at the speed of light to correct errors, but the software won’t let you do that and the brain screams “What!” and gets all confused and you wished you’d taken up plumbing as a career instead.

  13. Hippie Chris Says:

    I used to be good. In my heyday I could hit 100+ on a typewriter. I worked as a typesetter at print shops for years — I averaged 105, with gusts up to 115.

    Now, however, I have an iMac. Beautiful computer, I love it. But the keyboard SUCKS. I’m lucky if I’ll finish this sentence by morning. The thing’s TINY. When I started typing back in the pre-computer days I got used to the keyboard being a certain size. Then carpal-tunnel started setting in a decade or so later, so I switched to a split, ergonomic keyboard. Now I have a regular keyboard again and I just can’t get used to it…

  14. Bert Bananas Says:

    I only took typing because it was a bit of a more manly way to be in a class with all women than Home Ec. I’ve always had this thing for women… Turned out to be a good move, both for my thing and for me, because for a guy to be able to sit down in front of keyboard and play more than just chopsticks impresses the chicks.

    Did you know that the faster a guy can type, the bigger his thing is?

  15. Tony Alva Says:

    I’m a double space between periods kinda guy. It’s a must especially if you’re going to include some BSLEWYFSD.

  16. BeckEye Says:

    I always assumed I could type like 40 wpm until I took a test at OfficeTeam. I found out I could knock out 70 wpm. It still doesn’t get me laid though, so I really don’t care.

  17. Falwless Says:

    Definitely double space between periods. It’s the fucking law, and anyone who tells you differently should be hit in the nutsack until they die. And if they are a girl, then sodomize them. Or whatever. I’m touchy about this, apparently.

  18. The Guv'ner Says:

    Hey there Fastfingers! That’s the most annoying part, the refusal to let you correct your errors. Those fascists. It’s just not right! And yay, I’m glad you made it here finally. I’m looking forward to checking out your site there. I will blogroll it too if that’s ok?

    Chris: You are one of those alien beings then! On a TYPEWRITER you say? Holy crap man. You are ELITE. So what’s up with the iMac- are the keys dwarf sized? I’m fairly picky about keyboards myself. I am highly satisfied by a nice, easy flowing keyboard where the keys are fluid and spaced just right. Whenever I’m in the UK and I use my sister’s keyboard I’m all over the place. They have the @ key over on the right you know! Near the apostrophes and that stuff. It’s just not right.

    Bert: I have an inkling this is why MOST guys take any sort of typing or home ec course! Because, as we all know, you guys think with your “things” therefore it leads you. Plus I have a suspicion you also would do home ec for the fact it means cooking then eating things. Although remembering MY home ec attempts, I’m not sure you’d want to eat those creations…

    Tony: Then you are smokin’, dude. Plus you’re a Yankees fan. I am trying hard not to be one of those naughty space leavers but sometimes it happens, what can I say. I know Fal will hate me but I do it sometimes and I notice and I think, “Ah fuck it, the world won’t end.” πŸ™‚

    Beck: Haha, well it might if you find the right GUY. There must be someone with a typist fetish, surely. Plus come on. Point out how fast your fingers are and I’m sure someone will take the bait! πŸ™‚

    Fal: YES, YES and YES! I knew you’d agree. I’m GLAD you agree because I’m scared of you and don’t want you sodomizing me with anything.

  19. Leonesse Says:

    So, I am liking the new digs. Nice of you to leave me a forwarding address! I thought you might have taken out the Uberlord and were heading to Rikers.

    I am only a 60 minuter and am ashamed to say that LKjr can type like 100 and he doesn’t even use the right fingers. Jerk.

  20. The Guv'ner Says:

    Leo: HA! Wait..I didn’t give you this address? How is that possible? I emailed everyone who had email in their profile and commented on everyone else and assumed I’d told YOU of all people.

    I will go whip myself now.

    Bah to those 100 WPM two-finger typists. πŸ™‚

  21. pistols at dawn Says:

    I am only fast with my fingers when I am “typing” personal messages. Otherwise, I am hunting and pecking like a champion.

  22. Hippie Chris Says:

    Pistols — if you’re gonna be a pecker about it, you might as well go whole hog and be a Champion Pecker.

  23. Claire in CA, USA Says:

    I’m “Super-Fly,” and I too have major typing test anxiety. I hate it when I have to take a test, and I test at, like, 50 wpm. When I was a psychotic ‘legal’ secretary, people who were nearby would stop talking because of how fast I was typing. Screw those stupid tests.

  24. The Guv'ner Says:

    Pistols: No comment. For real.

    Chris: I left the comment to you.

    Claire: I know!!! I get all indignant because I know I’m faster than it tells me. I feel like tapping everyone in the room on the shoulder and going “Hey. That test says 60, but I know it’s 90.” Stoopid software.

  25. Dr Zibbs Says:

    All I know, I’ll be cheering when they master typing with voice recognition.

  26. The Guv Says:

    Dr. Z: That will be AWESOME. For a horrible moment I thought you were going to say “when they master typing with their penis” or something equally fun to imagine

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