Random Wednesday Stuff

* some “lady” content

I’m in the laundry room today, frowning under the weight of the monumental decision of, “Will my bra make it through a non-delicates cycle?” when a woman decided I was her long lost friend.  I met her last time  I did laundry and she might as well have sat me down with a 100 strong questionnaire on who I was, what was I doing there and what did I do, etc.  I mean nice lady, don’t get me wrong, but Jesus H. on a pogo stick.  Cease the yapping, lady!  She was an older, Asian lady and she liked to talk like I enjoy cake.  This is Guv’ner hell.  I like to grunt.  And even then I’m selective.  Especially while folding my underwears.  Yes, I fold them, and?

Talking of underwear, I bought a ton of Hanes  3-packs of boy shorts a short while ago.  All cute and soft and girly boxer-shorty.  And the fuckers keep on busting on me.  Now I know my butt isn’t anorexic but it’s not the size of Texas either and the shorts are kind of loose so why the elastic keeps splitting is anyone’s guess.  Panty ghosts?  Phantoms with scissors in the laundry room?

Cheap workmanship much?

I bought a bunch of Victoria’s Secret underwear around the same time in their sale and those are going strong.  However, to bring up a delicate subject, ladies, is it just me or do some of their panties have unfathomably skinny gussets?  I mean like a little, tiny peninsula of fabric that would break in a breeze?  That’s just not right.  A gusset should be like a giant kite swamping and protecting the principality of your netherlands not a tiny, anorexic sliver of fabric that gives you a stupendous front wedgie every time you move.  Or do I just have an unfeasibly wide hoo ha?  No.  I do not.

I already wish I hadn’t started this topic.

I also had a badass dream last night about being in a giant elevator on the 260th floor and this elevator was suspended by only one wire in the center so it swayed around alarmingly.  Even more fun – the floor was soft like a trampoline!  Yes, really!  I don’t know what goes through my mind sometimes, I swear, but I blame watching “Paranormal State” before going to sleep.  Because I could not possibly be that warped all on my own steam.


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27 Responses to “Random Wednesday Stuff”

  1. Bert Bananas Says:

    What in the wide hoo ha hell are you going on about?

    (Oh, I got it… I just like my/our new saying, “What in the wide hoo ha hell…”)

  2. The Guv Says:

    You just knock yourself out there, Bananas. I want royalties for use though.

  3. dopeypants Says:

    I wear thongs, so I can’t help you with advice.

  4. Bert Bananas Says:

    Banana Royales, Ms. Tightie-Whitie?

  5. Red Says:

    I’m with ya, Guv. Some of those VS undies are painful! And don’t even get me started on that low rise shit.

  6. so@24 Says:

    I’m purchasing the movie rights for that dream.

    My lawyer will be contacting you shortly for a generous offer.

  7. Falwless Says:

    A gusset should be like a giant kite swamping and protecting the principality of your netherlands..

    The beauty of your words sometimes leaves me speechless. Like now.

  8. katrocket Says:

    hey, I’m with you on the disintegrating Jockeys! What the hell is with that?

    I thought it was from my dangerous ass and all the roundhouse kicking it does.

  9. mike Says:

    I’m sure everybody’s go-to joke here would be, “that’s why I don’t wear underwear.” Too easy. I do, in fact, wear underwear. But I never wash them.

  10. Zeb Says:

    All very interesting, but did your bra make it through the non delicates cycle? The world wants to know. Also, google “girl boxers” – might be the same thing as you have or might be likely to last longer. Next week, makeup tips

    Mike – did we need to know that?

  11. tonyspunk Says:

    Sweet lady, Tony’s with the boys here. Not literally or nothin’. As you know, Tony likes the ladies. However, I am very interested in this bra business. Size, color and fabric please? I have a fantasy to sustain.

  12. The Guv Says:

    Bert: Mais oiu Senor Underoo!

    Red: No freaking kidding. I like hipsters (the panties not the kids) but they have to be just right. Low and non slidey. There’s nothing worse than hiking them up every two seconds.

    So: You are AWESOME young man. Come to mama. I will accept a bar of good chocolate and a smile. Ha.

    Fal: I know. Bow before my Awesome and whimper, beeyotch. Or something.

    Kat: Well it might be, sure. But I don’t get it. Yesterday I got some Fruit of the Loom MEN’S boxer briefs, not for underwear cos that would be crass seeing how I’m a LADY, but for lounging around purposes. They’re awesome. Thick, soft, size medium – we’ll see if those effers last the week. So far so good.

    Mike: Underwear’s for squares, dude. Seriously. I prefer those big kids pull up pants I’ve seen advertised. Then you can be like that astronaut lady and not even stop driving your car to pee!

    Z: It did!! I was smart and didn’t put it in the drier. They get all fucked up in the drier. It also now smells like daisies. Or “Bounce”. Now let’s talk lipstick, honey.

    Tony: Burlap, excrement brown and 67SS. Yes, it’s a circus tent.

  13. minijonb Says:

    oh, great. now i’m going to have elevator dreams as well. thanks. thanks a lot!

    = : – )

  14. The Guv Says:

    Dude, I’ll lend you mine. Trampolining while plummeting sounds like an Olympic sport!!! FUN. GOOD TIMES! 🙂

  15. Leonesse Says:

    I finally found you! Your directions were a little off and I ended up on some Mental Health website. …wait a minute… HEY!

    “unfeasibly wide hoo ha” Now that is some funny stuff right there.

    I, too, have complained to LK about the width of the nether panty regions. As I stood there holding up the panties and explaining the size difference to him he got a faraway look and a stupid grin on his face. I realized I was getting nowhere.

  16. Leonesse Says:

    Now off to read what I have been missing! A new uberlord? New panties? What else have I missed.

    p.s. LK hates the boy shorts. He doesn’t much have an opinion on my appearance and often doesn’t tell me when I have mascara sliding into Alice Cooper territory, but he certainly has an opinion on my panties. men.?

  17. The Guv Says:

    Hahaha sorry I must have been drunk or hallucinating or something when I gave directions! 🙂 Ooops!

    I had to rummage through several large bins of panties to find the ones that were both cute and covered something. Not an easy feat you know. I got some bikini style and some hipsters but some of the discarded stuff i waded through – I’m not sure WHO could wear those and not work in porn…

  18. The Guv Says:

    HAHA! I LOVE the boy shorts. I’m wearing some NOW! comfort is paramount you know. Screw lacy.

  19. Leonesse Says:

    Waaaait. What’s this Space Pie. WTH went on while I was away? Split personality? Too much Guv for one blog? New Uberlord?

    Geez, I take a vacay and the whole blogosphere gets shaken up like a toddler with a snow globe.

  20. The Guv Says:

    Leo: Haha, I haven’t used it much yet, calm down. It’s just to replace BUCKLE UP that’s all. Nothing amazing!

  21. BeckEye Says:

    Gusset. Is that what that’s called? Not the Discharge Card?

    Okay, that was uncalled for. But you’re smiling, I can feel it.

  22. pistols at dawn Says:

    I’m going to just…watch this conversation and steal it when you leave the laundromat.

  23. The Guv Says:

    Beck: OK I admit, I snorted out loud. GROSS 🙂

    Pistols: The lady next to me had huge granny panties, you might have liked those! You could’ve made the boy a kite out of them.

  24. CDP Says:

    Who doesn’t fold their underwear?

  25. The Guv Says:

    CDP: EXACTLY! Freaks and ne’erdowells and deviants that’s who!

  26. Hippie Chris Says:

    Freaks and ne’erdowells and deviants? Oh my!

  27. The Guv Says:

    Chris: Yeah. SO be sure to fold those tightie whities, boy.

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