Random Nonsense Just For You

I went swimming at the weekend because it was as hot as the inside of an Olympian’s gym shorts.  I love to swim or just basically flail around attractively in the water while waves bash the hell out of me and force their way up my nostrils to make me splutter in a most ladylike manner, while trying to drag my shorts down around my ankles because no, right now I do not have a swim suit.  I also, despite the factor 70 “fuck you” strength sunscreen, still managed to get some burn on my upper arms and nose.  Basically I could coat my nose in peanut butter, gauze and whatever the hell that stuff is they make astronaut suits out of and I’d still get a burn there.  I’m a pasty white enigma ladies and genitals. Envy me.

Usually on sunny days I resemble a mean alcoholic.  You can spot me in a crowd by my large, red conk.  It’s like a warning beacon.  I could probably get employment by the coast guard to stand on top of cliffs to warn ships off the rocks.  I burn, is what I’m saying.  Religiously.  My hair also lightens up and I almost look like a beach blonde Aussie surfer.  It clashes awesomely with my lobster red nose and shiny forehead.   It’s even MORE attractive than it sounds.

Still it was awesome because I like the water and I like summer and I aim to squeeze every last drop of sunshine out of it before it gets cold and I start to sulk for four months and whine about being cold.  Basically this happens the second the mercury drops below 50 degrees.  I wasn’t born to be cold, oh no.  Still, every year I suck it up and dream about balmy summer nights while wrapped in a giant fleece sweatshirt and a frown.

Then, to start the week right, last night was what I call a “satisfyingly fat night” in that I spent it in bed eating brownies, crackers and cheese and watching “South Park”.  I mean I defy the Queen to have had a more luxurious, ass-fattening evening than THAT.  Go on Queenie, I defy you.


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25 Responses to “Random Nonsense Just For You”

  1. CDP Says:

    I’m with you, the older I get, the more I hate cold weather. I completely understand why people retire to Florida now.

  2. The Guv Says:

    Agreed miss CDP! I dream of a nice little retreat in the Keys all tropical and warm and beautiful full of coconut lotion, hammocks and lapping waves. I conveniently leave out the “evacuate for ensuing massive hurricane” part because weather anomalies don’t count in my fantasies.

  3. Red Says:

    You are so turning me on with your hotness, Guv.

  4. The Guv Says:

    Oh Red! You are permanently turned on, girl! Tsk!

    I bet San Diego’s all warm and lovely in winter isn’t it? Goddamn it.

  5. pistols at dawn Says:

    I feel like every night for me is that kind of ass-fattening night…which is why I also never subject the world to me in a bathing suit. I’m kind of a hero to the people.

  6. The Guv Says:

    Dude, after last night I’m never subjecting people to ME in one either. I like chocolate too much to sacrifice.

  7. dopeypants Says:

    You’d better be going swimming again this weekend to wash the brownie bits from your hair. Yum!

  8. Chris the Hippie Says:

    I always thought I was cold all the time ’cause I was too skinny. So I gained 80 pounds. Now I’m cold and fat.

  9. The Guv Says:

    DP: Oddly enough I MIGHT BE!

    Chris: Haha! I attribute it to being cold blooded like a reptile. Ha!

  10. BeckEye Says:

    Last night, I had a cheesesteak, followed by a slice of cheesecake while flipping between The X-Men movie and “Animal Precinct.” Is that ass-fattening and awesome enough for ya?

  11. Suze Says:

    I got up in the middle of the night to pee and went to the fridge and ate a Peppermint Patty. TMI?

  12. The Guv Says:

    Beck: This is why you’re my HERO! Hmmmm cheesecake. I just drooled attractively… Is it emailable? I like cheesecake.

    Suze: Hahaha. Actually, if I had Peppermint Patties in MY fridge I’d do similar, believe me. Or junior mints. YUM. Or After eights. God, I love After Eights.

  13. Falwless Says:

    AFTER EIGHTS! Do you know, that when I was a wee lass, I would visit my grandmother and on this very fancy tray in her dining room there was this silver and gold crazy little figurine thing that was a decorative horse and carriage and the carriage always held a bunch of after eight mints in their fancy little black sleeves. So to this day I cannot see an After Eight mint and NOT think of my grandmother and her super gilded dining room tray with the horse and carriage.

    Yeah, good story, huh?!!? Wow. Memories! That one’s crazy vivid!

  14. The Guv Says:

    Dude, they remind me of being a kid too. I thought they were super posh cos we only had them after big family Christmas dinners and the like. And they came in those ultra suave little black envelopes (as you said) with like..a carriage clock on them? I used to COLLECT those envelopes I thought they were so fuckin’ posh. They still come in those same boxes too. Awesome. I want some right now. They’re so deliciously old fashioned and tasty!

  15. dopeypants Says:

    If you eat them BEFORE eight, is that wrong?

  16. The Guv Says:

    Dude, they’re chocolate. Who can wait till 8? Who I ask you? Although protocol dictates that yes, you probably should. But they’re equally delicious before 8 probably due to the illicitness of the act!

  17. dopeypants Says:

    It seems dirty to me though.

  18. The Guv Says:

    Most things do. It’s only dirty when you sneak them into a closet or lock yourself in the bathroom with them so no one else can get any.

  19. minijonb Says:

    i think i will have a “satisfyingly fat night” tonight by eating Jaffa Cakes while watching the Olympics. that’s a perfect 10 =:-)

  20. The Guv Says:

    OH MY GOD. JAFFA CAKES! I HATE YOU! Now I’ll be salivating while thinking of those all damn day. Hey, do you eat the chocolate and the spongey bit so you’re left with the little disc of pure orange? Or is that just me???

  21. katrocket Says:

    Hey, is it the Scottish thing? Cuz I come in two shades as well: pasty and lobster. And you would be proud of me Guv — yesterday I ate healthy salads and grilled sensible things… until I blew it all away while watching fit Olympians, by inhaling a Jos. Louis and almost an entire bag of Fritos.

  22. leonesse Says:

    Being so white that I am translucent (they really need a check box for that on employment applications) I also do not like to swim. If I am alone, floating around in the pool drinking beer, I am in heaven, but one, ONE freaking splash and I am outta there. I always say that I am a candy cane. I am either red or white, no in between. There is no SPF 1395, so I just have to live with it.

    I apparently must have been kept in a hole (which may explain why I look like Powder with freckles) because I do not know what After 8’s, Jaffra Cakes or Jos. Louis are. …heading back into my hole…

  23. The Guv Says:

    Kat: HA! Well there’s some law somewhere that states you can’t watch TV without junk food snacking so I wouldn’t worry. It’s LAW. GO with it. Oddly enough, I just watched a show yesterday about how they make Jos. Louis snack cakes or something. Must have been an omen.

    Leo: I’ve worn one pair of flip flops every day all summer and they are THESE in black (I wear them every year) and so I have a fabulous white criss cross pattern on my foot where my exposed foot tanned and the bit under the straps didn’t. Lobster-tan that is. ATTRACTIVE.

    And I agree, I like swimming where it’s nice and quiet and there are no annoying hyperactive people splashing me. I am picky. Also, drinking beer while in the pool is most agreeable. At my friend’s pool we have special coolers JUST for pool floating. 🙂

  24. so@24 Says:

    Eating shitty food and watching some South Park? Perfecto. I still think we should be together.

  25. The Guv Says:

    Dude when you are screening your next lady friend make sure she’s down with that junk food and South Park thing. It will make life so much more pleasant in the long run. Anyone not down with that equation, needs to be held at arm’s length and possibly flogged. In fact, there should be a thing on E-Harmony and such sites asking about people’s predilection for such things.
    It’s the more fun version of therapy!

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