Everyone’s all about video games nowadays. Well guess what, I suck at video games. I always have. I used to find a lame one I sort of liked and stick with it for about seventeen years till it bored even me. And it was always the crappiest game like Sonic the Hedgehog, full of catchy hypnotic, highly annoying music and bright colors that would induce acid flashbacks and where I’d get to go around collecting gold rings with gay abandon till some bastard little spiky beetle type thing would smash into me and make me drop them all. Fuck those spiky beetle things, man, I hate those. I am over those little shitheels.
Then I used to play “Doom” sometimes. I couldn’t tell you if I was any good at it because after about ten seconds I would take on the exact shade of an under ripe banana and vomit on my cargo pants. It’s hard to waste bad guys when your innards are busy becoming outards. Games that induce motion sickness are not my friend even if they do promise the chance to blast several shades of cak out of any opponent, which, as you can guess, the Guv’ner is all about. It is just not meant to be.
I tried playing with Microsoft’s flight simulator for a while because I love planes and airports and all that business. I do, however, hate to fly so this seemed like a fair alternative. Soaring to wherever the hell I want in the world without actually leaving my armchair! Awesome squared.
Or not. I wasn’t up for starting off easy by flying a gentle little Cessna over the Hudson River on a tourist sightseeing trip or something simple like that. No. I wanted to commandeer a big, fuck-off sized 747 right over Manhattan and all the way to Europe. How hard can that be, right? Seriously. You get it in the air and point it east, all you need is a compass and some good cheer.
On my first attempt to take off I crashed. Right slap bang into the control tower at JFK. I mean there’s a 5 mile long, quarter mile wide runway right in front of me but I can’t find it, however a little control tower somewhere to the side is no problem for me at all. The second time I hit the grass and started a fire. Oops. When I finally made it into the air I had no idea which way was up and happily floated upside down till I crashed into the ocean. * Then I spent a happy hour trying to detect some famous landmarks of merit so I could smash into them, because crashing mythological planes into cyber versions of buildings seemed like a fun, innocent thing to do at the time before that shit started for real in the land of the T word. This was all before nine eleven I hasten to add, I’m not crass or anything.
I guess the moral here is, should you ever find yourself on a plane with me and both pilots mysteriously die from like…the plague or something…leaving me to fly the aircraft, it’s probably best to make sure you’re pre-armed with something small and sharp so you can slit your throat/wrists at any given moment to save prolonging the agony. There are worse things than ** motherfucking snakes on a motherfucking plane is all I’m saying.
So yeah. I’ll stick to my boring-ass old school computer games like Jewel Quest and Puzzle Express (shut up) and let you guys do the big, grown-up video games.
* I would never condone ACTUALLY crashing planes into buildings, honestly, except in cyber form where it is hella fun.
**This joke was topical in 2006 probably, thanks