Play The Game

Everyone’s all about video games nowadays. Well guess what, I suck at video games. I always have. I used to find a lame one I sort of liked and stick with it for about seventeen years till it bored even me. And it was always the crappiest game like Sonic the Hedgehog, full of catchy hypnotic, highly annoying music and bright colors that would induce acid flashbacks and where I’d get to go around collecting gold rings with gay abandon till some bastard little spiky beetle type thing would smash into me and make me drop them all. Fuck those spiky beetle things, man, I hate those. I am over those little shitheels.

Then I used to play “Doom” sometimes. I couldn’t tell you if I was any good at it because after about ten seconds I would take on the exact shade of an under ripe banana and vomit on my cargo pants. It’s hard to waste bad guys when your innards are busy becoming outards. Games that induce motion sickness are not my friend even if they do promise the chance to blast several shades of cak out of any opponent, which, as you can guess, the Guv’ner is all about. It is just not meant to be.

I tried playing with Microsoft’s flight simulator for a while because I love planes and airports and all that business. I do, however, hate to fly so this seemed like a fair alternative. Soaring to wherever the hell I want in the world without actually leaving my armchair! Awesome squared.

Or not. I wasn’t up for starting off easy by flying a gentle little Cessna over the Hudson River on a tourist sightseeing trip or something simple like that. No. I wanted to commandeer a big, fuck-off sized 747 right over Manhattan and all the way to Europe. How hard can that be, right? Seriously. You get it in the air and point it east, all you need is a compass and some good cheer.

On my first attempt to take off I crashed. Right slap bang into the control tower at JFK. I mean there’s a 5 mile long, quarter mile wide runway right in front of me but I can’t find it, however a little control tower somewhere to the side is no problem for me at all. The second time I hit the grass and started a fire. Oops. When I finally made it into the air I had no idea which way was up and happily floated upside down till I crashed into the ocean. * Then I spent a happy hour trying to detect some famous landmarks of merit so I could smash into them, because crashing mythological planes into cyber versions of buildings seemed like a fun, innocent thing to do at the time before that shit started for real in the land of the T word. This was all before nine eleven I hasten to add, I’m not crass or anything.

I guess the moral here is, should you ever find yourself on a plane with me and both pilots mysteriously die from like…the plague or something…leaving me to fly the aircraft, it’s probably best to make sure you’re pre-armed with something small and sharp so you can slit your throat/wrists at any given moment to save prolonging the agony. There are worse things than ** motherfucking snakes on a motherfucking plane is all I’m saying.

So yeah. I’ll stick to my boring-ass old school computer games like Jewel Quest and Puzzle Express (shut up) and let you guys do the big, grown-up video games.

* I would never condone ACTUALLY crashing planes into buildings, honestly, except in cyber form where it is hella fun.
**This joke was topical in 2006 probably, thanks



32 Responses to “Play The Game”

  1. dopeypants Says:

    Are you sure you don’t want a game of Global Thermonuclear War instead?

  2. The Guv Says:

    Ha ha ha! How about a nice game of chess?

  3. teri Says:

    I’d rather stick to bowling on wii, less stressful.

  4. teri Says:

    and if I had wii it would be really fun, I’m sure.

  5. The Guv Says:

    See I haven’t tried the Wii yet so maybe I’d rock at that? Then again…

    I sucked the big fat one at Guitar Hero that’s for damn sure.

  6. Red Says:

    Dude, I am terrible at all video games not called Tetris and Jeopardy.

  7. WendyB Says:

    My skill at Frogger would most likely not help in the airplane scenario you describe.

  8. The Guv Says:

    Red: Ha, Puzzle Express is sort of like Tetris a little. SO I’m totally with you!

    Wendy: Well you never know. If there is a plane congestion you have to dodge, IT MIGHT!

  9. pistols at dawn Says:

    Your flight simulator story just put this blog on the NSA’s watch list. Well done.

  10. The Guv Says:

    PAD: It wouldn’t surprise me. Oh dear. Now I have to edit. Sigh. Damn those people who take things literally.

  11. tonyspunk Says:

    The only video game El Spunkarino enjoys is one with bad ladies and muchos martinis, you dig? Perhaps some game where a sparkly guy with a wide smile and glitter on his lapels dodges policeman-ladies in his green El Camino while crooning Sinatra. Maybe he gets to nail a few senoritas. Who knows.

  12. Falwless Says:

    I’m totally with you, Guv. Give me some Bejeweled or Tetris or Block Breaker and I’m happy as a clam. You can keep that complicated shit for your own playtime, no thank you.

  13. Suze Says:

    Oh I love Jewel Quest. Really, I’ve played that for months at a time. Not to say that I’m dumb and can’t win the damn game because I totally could if I wanted to win πŸ™‚

  14. abroad Says:

    When I was on the road a lot I couldn’t play The Sims2 on my company laptop, so instead I downloaded about 8 million crappy little games from Yahoo games – and they are lovely fun. I’m fond of a little game called Feeding Frenzy. Jewel Quest is all right too.

    Also when I first started playing the Sims I didn’t realize that they needed a smoke alarm and ended up killing all of my Sims in a house fire. It was depressing.

    I kicked ass at Sonic the Hedgehog, but I played it with the sound off.

  15. The Guv Says:

    Tony: Nothing there surprises me dude.

    Fal: DAMN STRAIGHT. At one point at work I played Bejeweled for about a month straight. I snarled at people who interrupted my Bejeweled time. Then I got the same way with Cubis. Don’t mess with my fucking Cubis, people.

    Suze: Thing is, after a while it hypnotizes me into not seeing patterns anymore. And that damn dragon time keeping thing keeps distracting me too and I think I’m running out of time, then I realize I’ve been unconsciously messing around instead of converting relics into gems and finishing the damn screen. Grrrrr.

    Lady: Yes! Yahoo Games is where I get all my shitty little precious games. My lovely Puzzle Express and Cubis and Jewel Quest and a ton of others that hurt your brain in a “you have been brainwashed” type of way. I never dared even go near the Sims in case I got addicted. Or perverted.

  16. Gnugs Says:

    bejeweled 2 is about as close to video games I I would care to get.

  17. Stella Says:

    I have a subscription at Shockwave games where I can download as many games as I want for $10 a month. It’s glorious. I like the puzzle ones a lot, and the Diner Dash style spinoffs. As far as game consoles go, I used to be a MarioKart master, but that’s the only one I could ever handle.

    Also, does anyone remember Leisure Suit Larry?

  18. CDP Says:

    Nice work, Guv; if we don’t hear from you for a while, we’ll see what we can do about getting you out of Guantanamo, which is where you’ll surely be sent if Homeland Security ever reads your blog.

  19. The Guv Says:

    Gnugs: Drool. All the shiny colors. πŸ™‚

    Stella: I have not heard of LSL but now thanks to you i have to check it out.

    CDP: Well I did put disclaimers. I mean come on. Like I’d do anything like that. Shit now I’m paranoid. πŸ™‚

  20. Mathdude Says:

    I used to be a big video gamer back on the old Atari system. I rocked at M-Network Baseball and a few others whose names escape me. Then I turned 20 and lost interest. Now I like Spider Solitaire and Age of Empire, but that’s about it for time wasters. I’ve got more important stuff to do, like putting fictional posting in my blog.

  21. The Guv Says:

    OH I can happily waste an afternoon on Spider Solitaire too. I want to know if anyone in the history of mankind has ever won the four suit level? Because I think NOT.

  22. BeckEye Says:

    Dude, a monkey can fly a plane. Or so I was led to believe by “Project X.”

    I think someone needs to make a third Matthew Broderick reference in your comments and my day will be complete.

  23. The Guv Says:

    Becks: I guess I don’t have the mad skillz of a monkey then. Damn it. Ha yeah another MB reference will be fine but it won’t come from me. He’s your relative, you do it? (Ha!)

  24. so@24 Says:

    A girl who has even tried Flight Simulator has flown that plane directly to my heart.

  25. Bert Bananas Says:

    Sometimes when I have time on my hands I’ll take a nature hike, or do some kayaking, or read the Bible, or volunteer at homeless or domestic violence shelters, or visit shut-ins. Or maybe play BrickBreaker on my Blackberry for a few hours from when I get up until I go to bed. One or the other…

  26. The Guv Says:

    So: Dude, I literally WOULD if I was at the controls. I suck that much! πŸ™‚ I’d fly into anything that wasn’t the sky.

    Bert: Hahaha! Hmmm. which is it…

  27. BeckEye Says:

    Ferris Bueller, you’re my hero.

    Okay, that wasn’t smooth, but there it is.

  28. Mike Says:

    I remember playing Doom for the first time. It was great. Lots of fun. Then 45 minutes into playing I’m on the ground sick as a dog. Yeah those first person games are hell on some of us.

  29. The Guv Says:

    Beck: Hey no one ever claimed subtlety was your thing! πŸ™‚

    Mike: At least you made it that far. I get to that stage in about 20 seconds. When I was a kid and we went on family road trips I was a nightmare. We’d get a half hour into the drive and have to pull over so I could christen the roadside with my last meal. Every time. Hell I get sick at movies sometimes. And fairground rides. And LIFE.

  30. Dr Zibbs Says:

    Of new games I’ll do wii bowling. That’s it. Even guitar hero can suck it. Requires too much practice.

  31. The Guv Says:

    Unless you’re me, Dr. Z, then it requires a LOBOTOMY. I wonder how long it will be before they bring out a Wii sex game.

  32. Matt White Says:

    i guess people who fly like you helped others inspire to create the Parachute …

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