Archive for September, 2008

One Thing…

September 9, 2008

People who use the word “Squee” of their own free will, should be impaled on a sword because they are as deficient in loveliness as people who say “LOL” out loud.

That is all.

Four Things Pissing Me Off Today

September 8, 2008

1. Phones

I know, I know. Phones are a necessary evil. I’m not saying they’re not. But is it necessary to have it glued to your ear 18 hours a day? Can your sister in Oregon really not get through the day without hearing about your new Bed, Bath & Beyond tablecloth? The world’s become a stupider place since cell phones arrived on the scene. People wander all over the sidewalk like drunken ducklings, unaware of anything but their uber-important conversation with someone they’re probably going to see in about 20 minutes. They stroll out onto busy roads like text messaging, lobotomized halfwits, getting up in your grill and under your feet and making you contemplate a massacre when you just want to zone out on the bus after work. Plus, seriously I’m sick of hearing about your weekend, your bitch coworker, your sexcapades, your honeymoon in Spain and your meatloaf recipe, shut the fuck up.

2. Rain

Rain is an asshole. I hate rain. Sure, it makes things grow and the world wouldn’t survive without it, but screw that. It’s cold, it’s wet, it’s gray, it’s ugly and it makes my hair all frizzy. Let the rain flow into a giant, galactic funnel and divert it to some drought-ridden African nation or someone else who needs it badly. It also makes stuff smell funky and I don’t like funky.

3. Sculpted bras

I hate sculpted/molded bras. I hate them with my whole being. I hate going to an underwear store and all I can find are stupid, cock-assed, inch-thick, sculpted bras. They’re molded into shape and they’re so padded you could jump from a sixth floor window onto a pile of them and you’d spring right back up. However, if you don’t need or want to feel like your womanly mounds are imprisoned in a spherical mattress, you’re screwed because good luck finding anything modern and cute without padding and a plunge neckline. Well, unless you really like lacy granny flowers and seams across the center that would trip a racehorse. I don’t know about you but I love having huge, thick lines across the front of my shirt. Why is it almost impossible to get pretty unlined, unseamed or unpadded bras that don’t look like they were made for a hospital matron or a Victorian school marm? Also, have you ever seen a sculpted bra in a D cup? You could fit the whole of Germany in one of those babies! There’s no need for this insanity. Quit it with the giant sculpted cups.

4. Digital photo frames

What the eff? I can’t believe there’s actually a human alive who thought these monstrosities were marketable and classy. You might as well showcase a giant, neon “ASSHOLE” sign in your living room right between your Elvis clock and that glow in the dark pink flamingo you picked up in Florida. Seriously, just knock out a couple of teeth and start banging your sister right now. I’m horrified these things exist and even more horrified that someone somewhere has them in their house where other people can see their crazy.

Now please enjoy this totally unrelated yet incredible photo, demonstrating the awesome that is William Shatner.

The Guv’ner Has Spoken

September 4, 2008

I hate politics. I hate everything about them. I think almost every politician, once they reach a tiny level of influence beyond a local arena, becomes a giant, insincere, deceptive douchebag, intent on serving their own purposes.

Here’s the thing. If the guy/woman you are thinking of voting for spends more time bashing their opponent’s doings, past doings or private life, kick them to the curb. That’s my motto. Who wants a person who cares more about the bad stuff their rivals might be concerned with rather than the good stuff that they (your guy) could possibly promise to do for the people?

Not that most politicians “do” anything much. It’s not about doing. You only promise to do during debates because how else do you get support? Once you’re in power you just shag your secretary, drive around in a limo and go to functions with rich, corporate executives while smoking Cuban cigars.

I have a better solution anyway when it comes to debates and the like. I think the whole thing’s gotten way too sophisticated. It’s all smug looks during debates and challenges. It’s all about impressing the people with your colossal intellect at conferences and during lobbying.

I say reduce all that down to its most base level. Get the opponents to strip down to their underwear and wrestle. In mud. Or jello, I’m not picky. Even mustard would do. Someone could adjudicate by saying, “Today’s issue is abortion – GO!” and old Biden and Palin could strip down to their underoos and white cotton bra and panty set from Hanes (it’s up to you to imagine who wears which) and get slippery. Then the winner has a nice victory and the loser…I don’t know, gets sodomized with a banana or something for wasting our time.

Palin's Campaign Photo

Palin's Campaign Photo

I might even watch those debates.

On second thoughts, the mere idea of John McCain or Dick Cheney ever getting jiggy while naked in jello is making me taste bile although the allure of seeing them sodomized by a banana (or a splintery piece of wood) is enticing.