The Guv’ner Has Spoken

I hate politics. I hate everything about them. I think almost every politician, once they reach a tiny level of influence beyond a local arena, becomes a giant, insincere, deceptive douchebag, intent on serving their own purposes.

Here’s the thing. If the guy/woman you are thinking of voting for spends more time bashing their opponent’s doings, past doings or private life, kick them to the curb. That’s my motto. Who wants a person who cares more about the bad stuff their rivals might be concerned with rather than the good stuff that they (your guy) could possibly promise to do for the people?

Not that most politicians “do” anything much. It’s not about doing. You only promise to do during debates because how else do you get support? Once you’re in power you just shag your secretary, drive around in a limo and go to functions with rich, corporate executives while smoking Cuban cigars.

I have a better solution anyway when it comes to debates and the like. I think the whole thing’s gotten way too sophisticated. It’s all smug looks during debates and challenges. It’s all about impressing the people with your colossal intellect at conferences and during lobbying.

I say reduce all that down to its most base level. Get the opponents to strip down to their underwear and wrestle. In mud. Or jello, I’m not picky. Even mustard would do. Someone could adjudicate by saying, “Today’s issue is abortion – GO!” and old Biden and Palin could strip down to their underoos and white cotton bra and panty set from Hanes (it’s up to you to imagine who wears which) and get slippery. Then the winner has a nice victory and the loser…I don’t know, gets sodomized with a banana or something for wasting our time.

Palin's Campaign Photo

Palin's Campaign Photo

I might even watch those debates.

On second thoughts, the mere idea of John McCain or Dick Cheney ever getting jiggy while naked in jello is making me taste bile although the allure of seeing them sodomized by a banana (or a splintery piece of wood) is enticing.

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27 Responses to “The Guv’ner Has Spoken”

  1. Catherinette Says:

    Have you ever noticed how Biden sounds like the guy that used to do the Smuckers’ Jam commercials?

    Just picture him saying it, “With a name like Smuckers, it has to be good.”

  2. The Guv Says:

    Hahahaha! Too funny. I need to now go find a sound clip of him and test that theory. He just has that look that so many smarmy politicans have. The look of “My stank doesn’t stink and I fart the scent of apricots!” look.

  3. katrocket Says:

    I luv ya Guv. Most excellent pie chart!

    I don’t care to see any of these bozos without clothes, but I agree with you in principle. I dislike politics a great deal, but I do like the fact that Canadian elections are very dull and quiet affairs that only last for a month or so. All this crap going on in the US election is just urging me to hate Americans all over again.

  4. Dr Zibbs Says:

    That’s pretty cool. That visual learning to you used to make your point resembles a cake or a pie.

  5. The Guv Says:

    Kat: Thank you man. I agree actually – most of those people unclothed would be rather heinous. I was going more for the humiliation angle though…

    I’m over the elections. All of them. Seriously.

    Dr. Z: I know. Isn’t that awesome? And here’s something even more cool. It’s called a PIE chart. PIE! Like apple pie or something! Amazing.

  6. Poobomber Says:

    So um, which category does Obama fall under?

  7. The Guv Says:

    Personally I think NOT HUMAN is his category.

  8. Falwless Says:

    Sometimes I will be in a work meeting and someone will break out a pie chart and I have to stifle my laughter. I always think of you. In other news, I’m probably not getting promoted any time soon.

  9. The Guv Says:

    Haha well they know promoting YOU would mean you take over the company, let’s be honest here.

    Pie charts are stupid. I don’t know why anyone bothers with them in a professional sense. Imbeciles! 🙂

  10. Suze Says:

    All this talk of pies is making me hungry. Please send one ASAP. Thank you.

    xoxox

  11. BeckEye Says:

    I hate all politicians too. Maybe we could bake them all in a giant pie and feed it to blackbirds or something.

    No, I haven’t even had a joint tonight.

  12. The Guv Says:

    Dear Suze, Is rhubarb pie alright? It is my favorite.

    Beck: I LOVE your pie idea. Let’s do it (AND bake the pie).

  13. Magnolia Sun Says:

    I love your point of view!

  14. WendyB Says:

    “I hate politics. I hate everything about them. I think almost every politician, once they reach a tiny level of influence beyond a local arena, becomes a giant, insincere, deceptive douchebag, intent on serving their own purposes.” – This is like you read my mind. Except for “douchebag” because that word annoys me and I wouldn’t say it. Other than that, it’s like you read my mind.

  15. rebecca Says:

    I hate politicians too. So disappointing. Just when I think I like one, he goes all California strawberry on me. You know, those strawberries you buy that look so sweet and juicy, grown in California? Then you bite into it and it tastes like cardboard?

  16. The Guv Says:

    Magnolia: You are high. But that’s ok. So am I. In spirit anyway!!! 🙂

  17. so@24 Says:

    The GUV’NER doesn’t like politics? How are you going to get reelected to this blog with that attitude?

  18. The Guv Says:

    Well Senor 24, the thing is right, I AM this blog and I’m a dictatorship so I do whatever the hell I want. See? It’s easy!

  19. Hippie Chris Says:

    How long do you think it will be before one of the major candidates has what Jon Stewart calls “a career-ending penis injury,” most commonly occurring when said penis is put where it doesn’t belong…?

  20. Captain Boondoggle Says:

    How did you make the pie-chart?

  21. Bert Bananas Says:

    I do not say this lightly: That was some HEAVY shit, Ms. Guv.

    When the FBI/CIA/NSA contacted me to ask me to ‘go under covers’ in their investigation of you, I asked if that was some kind of sick sex talk. I was assured it wasn’t, that the government doesn’t condone sex involving ordinary ciyizens. So of course I turned them down.

  22. CDP Says:

    When are they announcing you as Russert’s replacement on Meet the Press?

  23. The Guv Says:

    Chris: I hope soon because that would make it all SO MUCH MORE INTERESTING! 🙂 Especially if it’s Ms. Palin! Mon dieu!

    Bert: You are a man of fierce morals I can tell. I’m not sure why you aren’t president yet, so you should get on that immediately.

    CDP: HA! Yes my political round ups would go something like this: “John McCain would make a bad president because his head is shaped like Mr. Peanut”.

  24. Diane Mandy Says:

    Guv–I think you could have a career as a political analyst. Baavo!!!

  25. The Guv Says:

    Diane: Haha, yes I can see me trash talking everyone for a living and enjoying every minute of it. Now who’s going to pay me to do it?

  26. The Guv Says:

    Cap’n Boon: I made it clumsily in Excel since my copy of Powerpoint didn’t have the graph feature installed. It still works though. Kind of. I had to dump it into a photo editing program after to tweak. And it still sucks!!! 🙂 I just got your comment incidentally. Damn slow notifications.

  27. The Guv Says:

    Wendy: Haha, it’s an awful word but I can’t help my awful self!!!

    Rebecca: I know EXACTLY what you mean. And you are correct.

    Why am I not being emailed these comments? I feel cheated. Sob! 🙂

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