Four Things Pissing Me Off Today

1. Phones

I know, I know. Phones are a necessary evil. I’m not saying they’re not. But is it necessary to have it glued to your ear 18 hours a day? Can your sister in Oregon really not get through the day without hearing about your new Bed, Bath & Beyond tablecloth? The world’s become a stupider place since cell phones arrived on the scene. People wander all over the sidewalk like drunken ducklings, unaware of anything but their uber-important conversation with someone they’re probably going to see in about 20 minutes. They stroll out onto busy roads like text messaging, lobotomized halfwits, getting up in your grill and under your feet and making you contemplate a massacre when you just want to zone out on the bus after work. Plus, seriously I’m sick of hearing about your weekend, your bitch coworker, your sexcapades, your honeymoon in Spain and your meatloaf recipe, shut the fuck up.

2. Rain

Rain is an asshole. I hate rain. Sure, it makes things grow and the world wouldn’t survive without it, but screw that. It’s cold, it’s wet, it’s gray, it’s ugly and it makes my hair all frizzy. Let the rain flow into a giant, galactic funnel and divert it to some drought-ridden African nation or someone else who needs it badly. It also makes stuff smell funky and I don’t like funky.

3. Sculpted bras

I hate sculpted/molded bras. I hate them with my whole being. I hate going to an underwear store and all I can find are stupid, cock-assed, inch-thick, sculpted bras. They’re molded into shape and they’re so padded you could jump from a sixth floor window onto a pile of them and you’d spring right back up. However, if you don’t need or want to feel like your womanly mounds are imprisoned in a spherical mattress, you’re screwed because good luck finding anything modern and cute without padding and a plunge neckline. Well, unless you really like lacy granny flowers and seams across the center that would trip a racehorse. I don’t know about you but I love having huge, thick lines across the front of my shirt. Why is it almost impossible to get pretty unlined, unseamed or unpadded bras that don’t look like they were made for a hospital matron or a Victorian school marm? Also, have you ever seen a sculpted bra in a D cup? You could fit the whole of Germany in one of those babies! There’s no need for this insanity. Quit it with the giant sculpted cups.

4. Digital photo frames

What the eff? I can’t believe there’s actually a human alive who thought these monstrosities were marketable and classy. You might as well showcase a giant, neon “ASSHOLE” sign in your living room right between your Elvis clock and that glow in the dark pink flamingo you picked up in Florida. Seriously, just knock out a couple of teeth and start banging your sister right now. I’m horrified these things exist and even more horrified that someone somewhere has them in their house where other people can see their crazy.

Now please enjoy this totally unrelated yet incredible photo, demonstrating the awesome that is William Shatner.

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31 Responses to “Four Things Pissing Me Off Today”

  1. Poobomber Says:

    Hahahaha, those picture frames crack me up – how many people get them and then never look at them?

    I would love to hijack those things at people’s places and put pictures of aliens or random photos of truck-stop bathrooms in them.

    I concur with your entire list, except the molded bra part. I like having them fit my manly chest perfectly. So what if I’m an A-cup? I deserve to have a nice bra too. Lines or no lines, I want them to feel comfy and snug.

  2. The Guv Says:

    Plus as well as looking spiffing I’d think it gives you a nice warm place to keep your wallet. You go girlyman.

  3. Falwless Says:

    Listen, lady, my giant fun bags need sculpted bra cups, okay? OKAY? IS THAT ALL RIGHT WITH YOU????

    SHEEEESH.

    I hate you flat-chested waifs.

  4. The Guv Says:

    Dude, you misunderstand! I too have funbags and am not a flat chested anything and those sculpted cups make boobs even bigger! All I require is underwire and some fabric, merci. Not an inch of padding. That’s what I’m saying. Of course you might be going for the Wendy Whoppers look 🙂 🙂

  5. Dr Zibbs Says:

    Let me just say I don’t like your tone. OK – I do. As long as it’s not directed at me. I need more detail on these sculpted bras. Also, great Shatner pic.

  6. The Guv Says:

    Yes Sir, I’m very leery today. I’m pee’d off dammit! 🙂

    As for the bras just imagine a large, firm, padded double hammock that can stand up on its own. Voila.

  7. Suze Says:

    You know what I hate? Stepping on the f*cking bra underwire. #$@#$%^

  8. WendyB Says:

    I HATE talking on the phone yet last night I dreamed that I was on a plane, having a loud conversation on my cell phone and annoying everyone.

  9. BeckEye Says:

    I hate the molded cups too. But what I hate most is when you’re of a certain boobage size like we are, you’re suddenly not allowed to be “pretty” or “sexy.” It’s like, here B-cups, have this frilly lace thing that your boyfriend will cream himself over. Here D-cups, have this cut up jock strap tied to a giant piece of nylon and bungee cord remnants.

  10. Magnolia Sun Says:

    I so agree with everything especially the bras. I have a hard time finding one without the underwire.

  11. Mike Says:

    I don’t remember that in that Star Trek episode.

  12. Claire in CA, USA Says:

    Can’t agree on the double hammock; I find them painfully necessary.

    You should have a “Give That Photo a Name” contest. I can think of some mighty, ahem, interesting things to say about it, and about William Shatner (who was awesome, but isn’t so much anymore, unless you like bloated, pompous celebrities.)

  13. pistols at dawn Says:

    Talk more about bras, and remember that pictures speak louder than words.

  14. CDP Says:

    I heartily concur with all four.

  15. The Guv Says:

    Suze: OUCH! Or you get one that’s way too high and keeps poking your armpits. What’s that about?

  16. gnugs Says:

    I agree completely. with everything you said. even though long posts are pissing me off as of late. so I didn’t really read yours.

    sorry.

  17. Catherinette Says:

    You forgot to mention that you can find non-sculpted bras that fit perfectly, and cost one arm and one leg. Thank you, lingerie industry, for ruining the lives of those of us with D cups that don’t fit right in sculpted bras. Bitches.

  18. The Guv Says:

    Wendy: Must have been your naughty rebel coming out. But don’t let her come out too much or I might have to kick he ass! 🙂

    Beck: Damn straight. If you have a D cup those effing things just don’t sit right. Or you bend over and all hell breaks loose. So you can just damn well buy something that looks like it’s made from a parachute and like it, boobalicious ladies! I hate that!

    Know what else i hate? That I never got ANY of these comments emailed to me and didn’t know they were there. GRR.

    Magnolia: I never buy anything without underwire but i can imagine it’s not fun trying to get just the right bra that looks good too without. Wires are every damn where. I just hate all the padding. I don’t need padding but it’s in 90% of fashion bras these days. Ridiculous!

    Mike: It was a special final season episode entitled: Kirk Boldly Goes where Many Suspected He’d Gone Before.

    Claire: I’m all about underwires but padding can suck it! But whatever works for you!!! Ha, the Shat picture is…interesting.

    Pistols: I had no idea you were into ladies’ fashions, dude. I thought you preferred the goods that lived inside.

    CDP: YES! Well that’s because you rule.

    Gnugs: BITE ME. 🙂

    Catherinette: Correct. You can find really pretty and functional D cup bras if you’re willing to promise your first born and all future earnings.

  19. so@24 Says:

    Who knew bras could be so complicated?

  20. The Guv Says:

    Yeah see, you boys have no idea. None. 🙂

  21. Tony Alva Says:

    I think you’re all lying about the D-cup thing. I’m with Pistols, we’ll need some sort of proof.

    “So if you ladies could please come up here and show me your breasts, I’d… No? You don’t want…”

    Beckeye, that movie quote was in honor of you.

  22. The Guv Says:

    It seems like all the ladies on my blogroll here are boobalicious ladies. There wouldn’t be screen space for all our boobies, dude. 🙂

  23. abroad Says:

    I agree with you about the phones and being forced to listen to other people yammer about whatever it is they are yammering about.

    I have to disagree about the bras though – alls I can say, from one busty broad to another is – try one on. Self conscious making public displays of your current body temperature will be a thing of the past.

  24. The Guv Says:

    I bought a couple in the past but i felt like they increased my boobage dramatically with all that padding. I felt like I was going to knock something over with them every time I moved and I’m not even that big! 🙂

  25. Diane Mandy Says:

    HAHAHAHAHA. Great photo (and post). It’s raining here in Germany AGAIN. I needed this pick-me-up.

  26. Elle Says:

    Bras: I’m with you on that.

    There’s a woman here at my workplace who wears the strangest bras ever. They push her books upwards. But not even nicely upwards. It’s just…weird. I don’t know what on earth is happening with her chest area or why in the name of all that is holy she wears bras like that.

    The mind boggles.

  27. Elle Says:

    *Books? Rofl. Boobs. BOOBS DAMNIT!

  28. mebeingrandom Says:

    I so feel your pain about the D-cup molded bras!
    It sucks!

  29. Red Says:

    I’m not sure why they even make sculpted bras for D-cups. Support, maybe? But to we modest busted women, there a real boon, if not quite as much fun on dates.

    For something not padded, I recommend Victoria’s Secret’s Very Sexy collection. It’s lined, but not padded.

  30. Red Says:

    Doh! I meant “they’re”.

  31. leonesse Says:

    They only make ones that fit me in specialty stores. I cannot find my size in any regular store, so mine end up all worn out before I can find/afford new ones. LK doesn’t seem to mind. And mine never come with matching panties.

    Of course I am ruling out the uncomfortable, ill-fitting Victoria’s Secret. Bitch makes lousy bras and only for fake boobies. I wear a minimizer.

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