Archive for October, 2008

Star Trek In “The Buttock Shooters”

October 27, 2008

Here’s a heartwarming (Or should that be buttock warming?) little story for you this fine Monday, that came to my attention through FARK. Seems drive-by shootings have progressed to sail-by shootings. My favorite line is the last one: “…he was having further tests done to see what kind of projectile was lodged in his buttocks.” you know, in case that gun was firing skittles or puffer fish.

Here is my suggestion of how it all went down, kindly demonstrated by the cast of Star Trek.

"We're ready for your dastardly sail-by shenanigans, foe!"

“We’re ready for your dastardly sail-by shenanigans, foe.  Bring it!”

"Jim, I've been hit.  Squeeze my breast. No, harder!  Ha ha! I'm kidding. It hit me in the buttocks. What is it, McCoy?"

“AAAH! I’ve been hit.  The logical thing to do would be squeeze my breast. No, harder!  Actually joke’s on you, because I was hit in the tooshie.  It feels like someone fired a Klingon right up my poop chute.  What is in there McCoy?”

"Well....uh...."

“Well…uh…”

"I think I found the real culprit, Spock."

“Is there something you want to tell us?”

I knew I’d eventually work those photos in a post somewhere.  Who knew it would be over an article on buttock shooting.  Bon appetite!

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Living La Vida Locomotive

October 21, 2008

When it comes to living conditions I’m a little odd, I’ve decided. It’s taken me a while to come to this conclusion but now that I have, a lot of things make sense.

You see, houses are all very well and good (and practical) but what I’d really like is to live in something a little more unconventional. Like a converted church with the stain glass windows still in place. Wouldn’t that be cool? Maybe a little odd, particularly for a diehard heathen like myself, but still, pretty splendid indeed. Or how about a renovated barn? That’d be kick ass, surely!

I also like the idea of buying up a bunch of those big-assed, metal shipping containers – those 40 foot long ones – and welding them together in various configurations then customizing them for the purpose of residing in them. You could have some pretty cool features, even though you’d possibly have to put up with your neighbors thinking you’d escaped from an institution for “special” people. (Luckily I’m used to that sort of thing.) But seriously, you could do all sorts of funky goodness with those shipping containers. Stop looking at me like that, you know I’m right! The Guv’ner is always right.

Then there’re these things. Am I the only one who thinks living in a giant passenger jet on a piveting pole is the coolest thing ever? I’m thinking not. Well ok, maybe I am. But come on, people, those are awesome and if you wouldn’t want to live in a giant plane in a field, you must be suffering from a rare brain mutation or something. Kind of like people who wear sweaters with pictures of their dogs on them (WTF?).

I’d also consider buying and outfitting some old train cars to live in or an out of commission boat or perhaps a grain elevator. No? I love Grain Elevators. Instead of the name of the town on the side I’d have it say “The Guv’ner invites you for pie” or “Guv Town”. Wouldn’t that be neat?

Or I could live in a tree house. I saw this documentary movie once about some old, crazy lady who lived in a tree house in some remote part of Hawaii and it was the coolest thing you ever saw. I mean sure, she was a dollar short of a wad, but man, she was the best kind of eccentric.

Or…I don’t know…a lighthouse or a windmill would be pretty cool. Anything funky like that would be right up my alley.

Anyone with suggestions of other possibly cool abodes, be sure to let me know, because I’m not insane enough already thinking about this stuff, truly.

Oh and hi! Sorry I’ve been gone so long. What can I say? I’ll make you all a mental cake. Or maybe even a pie.