Posts Tagged ‘typing’

The Quick Brown Horse Jumps Over the Frustrated Secretary

August 8, 2008

There are a bunch of mutant freaks out there who can type 140 words a minute. Imagine that – fingers flying like fan blades in all the right places and not an error in sight. Those people -and some of you might be members of this elite team of alien superbeings, in which case, SCREW YOU GUYS – are miraculous wonders of humanity.

Now I have been touch typing for maybe 15 years since I got bored tapping on two fingers and taught myself and I’m fairly speedy and decently accurate (accurate at correcting errors at least!) but I’m not in that super human range of the people mentioned above. I know I can type 90 words a minute on an average. I know this because I have transcribed for a living and my times are slick, y’all. 90 is good but not super-good. I can probably squeeze out 100 if all the words are fairly short and maybe even 110 if they’re all ‘a’, ‘the’ or ‘or’. Ha.

Having said that, my ego just deflates the second I see a typing test. I hate those goddamn things. You know the ones I mean – where you have to type what you see on the screen in front of you EXACTLY – ‘exactly’ meaning every space, capital letter, piece of punctuation must be identical.

“So what?” you say. Well I’ll tell you if you’ll just shut up for a second. I suck at those tests. My brain gets all nervous, turns my fingers into like…giant CARROTS…and I proceed to spend three intense minutes making every error known to man. And you can’t correct stuff! When you type normally, you make a mistake, your brain knows it before you even do it and you correct it swiftly and automatically, but those typing tests? Mais non! You attempt to make the correction you get another error. Mamanfuckers.

Also, some of those tests subscribe to the clearly misguided notion that there’s only one space after a period. Hello? No. I hear that’s a new-fangled way of doing it but I’m a child of the 1980s people, I’m old school and if there aren’t two spaces after a period you need to be flogged with a salty whip. I’m just saying, because some of those software programs serve it up one way and some the other. WTF?

Then I get pissed because the smug, self-righteous computer software thing gloats “WELL DONE GUV, YOU TYPE 62 WORDS A MINUTE, AREN’T YOU FREAKING SPECIAL FOR A RETARDED PERSON?” and you are pretty certain you heard it snort. Then you pick up a sledgehammer (that you keep in your backpack for such emergencies) and beat seven shades of shit out of that computer while growling like a wolverine.

I hate typing software. That’s where I’m going with this. I might add a pie chart to this later as I’m feeling inspired. And a touch bitter.